Lost Affections

** Note: I use the terms “the guy and the lady” about my biological parents. My“true” parents are the ones I refer to as mom and dad. My Parents have earned the right to be called mom and dad because they raised me, showed me love, and took care of me.**

** These were my feelings at the time. I express my feelings in my blogs and am not ashamed of what I feel. I no longer look at my life in this way, but I feel it’s important to share my past**

My story in life starts back in the spring of 1979. I was a little over a year old when I was placed in an adoption agency based in the city of Chicago. I was taken there because one uncaring lady decided she didn’t want to take care of me. The guy who started the pregnancy left town the moment he found out that she was pregnant with me.

According to the agency, the lady had a bad drug habit during and after her pregnancy with me. She thought it was important to party with hardcore drugs and then give me the slightest care. I lay in my crib all day and night. From what my parents told me, she never lifted a finger to care for me. I was told that when the state came to the house to remove me, the diaper was beyond filthy. When they picked me up from my crib, my diaper disintegrated from sitting in my excrement. In her drug-induced mindset, she thought that my waste was the proper choice. I can’t even fathom what it must have been like lifting a baby in that state of neglect.

This lady never held me or had shown me any love. The back of my head was completely flat from never being held. For any newborn, not having the most basic, most straightforward care from another human being must be a very traumatic experience. I can see why I’ve struggled to enjoy the most basic of human contact.

Born into a new world, not knowing a soul, one splits town, and the other is too busy enjoying her drugs. The two people supposed to give you love and protect you aren’t there for you. Luckily, a woman from next door was the first to show me love. She shifted my life into a different gear. I never found out why she came to my rescue, but I’m glad she did. This remarkable woman saw the current predicament and decided to call DCF. The state came immediately and took me away! At that time, it was the greatest thing ever happening to me!

I was covered in dirt and filth, smelled awful, and probably cried the entire way to the adoption agency. Luckily, my time there was very short, for two wonderful strangers happened to be there.

As I arrived at the adoption agency, my soon-to-be parents sat with one of the workers. The worker told my mom they had just received a child and had to explain the situation.

Whenever my dad tells the story about seeing me for the first time, he speaks of it with humor and love. When they first saw me in the back, they saw a baby covered in filth! My hair was sticking straight up, dirt covered my face, and my body was colored as if I had a spray tan. I had only a cloth towel to cover my bottom.

When I was young, there was an ongoing joke about how ugly of a baby I was. My parents, who loved me deeply, used to tell me how my hair stood wildly upon my head, and one of my eyes was half blue and half green while the other was completely brown! My dad used his fingers to imitate my hair sticking up as he’d make faces and laugh. My Aunt Vera was the only one who stood up for me and told me how beautiful I was. Jokingly, I asked them why they had chosen to take such an ugly baby. Lol. If it was that bad, I’m sure I looked like something plucked out of the dumpster from Lower Wacker Drive. Maybe my uncanny charm wooed them in, but my parents instantly fell in love with me for some reason. I’m lucky to have had two amazing people who could see a child for their possibilities rather than their current conditions—this day brought me two of the greatest gifts in my life!

A year earlier, my parents had adopted my older sister. It was their first time adopting a child. As many siblings do, my sister and I fought a lot. Mischief was something I excelled at, so I will admit my part in fighting because I loved to provoke it! I was good at pushing buttons and always knew what to push with her. My sister and I did get along as well. We have made many great memories that I still remember to this day!

Growing up, my sister was the brains, and I was the hyperactive troublemaker! Lol. Now, I will never tell my sister because I would never give her the satisfaction, lol, but I was envious of her for the grades she received in school. My sister is an exceptional person to me. She and I have had many hardships in our relationship, but I love her very much, and she is a diamond in my life.

She, like me, had much trouble showing affection to other people, including each other. There were often many times when I wondered if my sister cared for me. Although there was always a bit of doubt, something in my heart always told me she did. Between the two of us, I was always more affectionate towards my parents than my sister. Regarding our friendships, she had difficulty making friends and bonding with people. I never had any problem making friends, but I could never show emotions towards them and keep them. It was then that I started to realize, at a very young age, that she and I had emotional and affection issues. My sister and I dealt with our emotions differently. For me, it was easier to make jokes and blow things off than it was to show someone I cared about them. My sister locked herself in the room and dove her nose in a book.

For many years of my young adult life, I wondered why my sister and I had trouble showing affection to people. After all, allowing someone the dignity of my affection felt awkward and uncomfortable and made me feel vulnerable. A simple hug, a touch of a hand, a show of emotions, or telling someone I cared about them was extremely difficult. What seemed weird was that if I was helping someone out, feelings were easy, but that was a different story regarding my personal life.

During my high school years, I befriended other classmates who were adopted at birth and discovered that they seemed to have the same emotional issues as my sister and me. I observed their social interactions and discussed their relationships with them. I quickly realized that there was a connection between those who are adopted and having personal affection issues. During my junior year, I decided to take a psychology class to find out any professional information about this connection. Sadly, that particular psych class was an introduction to psychology and had no answers for me.

It’s tough for a person to grow up and feel distant from others, unloved (even if loved), and unable to express themselves to someone they care about. As I mentioned earlier, it was easier for me to express my feelings towards my parents than to my sister. My relationships were mostly rocky, and since I had a hard time with affection, it was only fitting always to attract others with the same issues.

As I look back on some of my past relationships, whether romantic or not, I wish that I would have been able to express how I felt to them. Unfortunately, the way I showed I cared was, and still to this day, to punch someone on the arm, grab onto you, wrestle you, and even make fun of you! I’ve always told people that the more I pick on you, the more I like you. Unfortunately for my friends, I always ended up bruised and beaten up!

Many of my friends have always told me that I appear standoffish. When they or anyone else tries to get close to me, I push away and agree with them 100%! It is a weird feeling to know, understand, and teach about love, but intimacy is a giant roadblock! I have spent many years being angry at the lady and the guy for not giving me the love and attention that babies first need after birth. I blamed them for many years on the relationship issues I always encountered. But honestly, if they had given me what I needed, I wouldn’t have ended up with my real family now!

My parents, two of the three most incredible people in my life, have showered my sister and me with a lot of love and affection, and yet, not even that could change those chaotic feelings inside us. My sister and I had developed this pattern, ingrained in us since birth. Speaking from a lifetime of experience, it’s hard to eliminate it!

If you ask the people who know me best, they will tell you I am a loner. I love spending time alone, going out alone, and doing things independently. When most people see me out, it’s usually with a party of one. I have always been someone who never really needs the company of others to have a good time. This may sound sad, but one feels free when comfortable being with oneself. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with people, especially those who matter to me, but it’s easier for me to do things solo. There may be a subconscious thought process to me being a loner. Maybe I’m still afraid of being rejected by people, but I find more freedom in going it alone.

In recent years, I’ve been working diligently on being more affectionate and allowing me to express my feelings to others. Unfortunately, some people, including myself, find love and affection to be a stranger, awkward and uncomfortable. No matter who you are, the most basic human need is to be loved. I genuinely care for those I call my friends or family! It hurts me when they feel I don’t care because I do very much. I would gladly give my life to my family, friends, or partner. I have always been there for those I love in other ways. If someone needed me for anything, I was the first one there!

I have been fortunate to have a close friend who helped thrust me into the need to be more affectionate. Strangely, I never saw how it may have hurt people’s feelings until having this particular conversation with her. I remember this conversation that we had one day where she told me how she felt about my emotional disconnect regarding our friendship. She felt as if I didn’t care and as if our friendship was expendable. When I saw the pain in her eyes and her soul, it hit me! If I ever wanted healthier relationships with people, these things would have to change. Surprisingly, I already knew the change would have to be all me. I grew more than I realized that day!

I decided to see my therapist the following week. Before I continue, I want to mention that I think it’s healthy for everyone to occasionally see someone to talk to. No matter who you are and what issues you believe you have or don’t have, being able to express how you feel is very healthy for the mental and emotional bodies.

Talking things out always gives me clarity on the situations that need contemplation. I have been fortunate to have had two exceptional therapists who have genuinely helped me. On the flip side, I’ve also had therapists who go by the book and judge you on what you say. Fortuitously, the two therapists who helped me have been catapults for significant change within me. I have always felt safe and never judged by them. I could open up and say anything and never felt threatened. With their help, I have found great emotional realizations that have stemmed from my first year of birth.

As I always face my challenges, I now face my emotional and affection challenges. I have finally accepted the facts of the first year of my life. I have accepted that I cannot change it, and I’m genuinely grateful for my parents and everything they have done for me. If I can ever evolve my life into its next chapter, I must cut those chains that bind me. I have chosen to cut those cords and realized it is time to move on. I must let go of my past, the thought that the lady and the guy did not love or want me. Although it seemed personal at the time, it doesn’t mean that I’m not loved or cannot love. The reality is that even at my worst, being covered in dirt and soiled, having a flat head, and having an eye with two different colors, two wonderful people who didn’t know me saw the beauty within me and loved me from that day.

I have spent many years working on myself and trying to overcome these issues, and I will continue to do so. Expressing how I feel about those I care about is important to me. I will push past my awkwardness of hugging and compliment them to show appreciation. Sharing my affections still feels awkward, but it gets easier for me at every chance. I am the master of my life, and I choose to be in control of those ideas that I can control. I am now finding love within myself and refuse to let two people I never knew control the outcome of my life. No one will destroy my happiness or who I am because they face challenges. I have had exceptionally wonderful parents and an equally wonderful sister. They are part of the reason for who I am!

For anyone who is adopted or didn’t have the love as a child, you are someone worth loving! Understand that what people do to you is not about you but about them. Make sure you face your challenges with the strength inside! Realize that those feelings are just a reflection of someone else’s unhappiness and not your own. Own the things you cannot change with pride. Appreciate who you are and understand you can have any life you want! It is up to you and YOU alone to make your life the way you want. You are loved, just like I am. Sharing your emotions can make you feel vulnerable, and yes, you can get hurt, but it’s much healthier than living a life that you deem lonely, filled with emptiness and sadness! You may not think it is a big deal, but a little affection goes a long way for those around you! I wish you the love and the life you deserve!